the melancholy Dane - numer drei.

That evening, I read Big Red, and think about philosopher kings.

A problem all Johnnies encounter at some point, before or during their four years in Annapolis: how to read without becoming distracted or falling asleep. Where to do it? In bed, on the quad, in the library –– truly, they’re all bad options, because no matter where you are, it is either comfortable enough to doze off, or public enough for friends to find you.

I have a unique solution to the problem. My room’s windows lead out onto the roof. The concrete cannot be called comfortable, and with the curtains drawn, my roommate knows well enough not to distract me. A reading light clips comfortably onto Big Red’s spine. It usually works.

Today, I can still taste the gelato on my tongue, and I am distracted by it. My eyes scan the words, but the meaning doesn’t even begin to register. It’s no use. I close the book and look out over the quad, brick behind me, rapidly cooling October air all around me. My balcony becomes a prison, and I must sit out my sentence.

Oh, it’s melodramatic, of course. I know. We all know –– those of us who don’t are generally regarded as insufferable by the rest. Some even feign acceptance, as if they, in a place like this, are well-adjusted. As if they could be.

Here is what I dread: I am alone, and I am thinking. No escape in sight.

It’s not that I’ve been stricken by some kind of existential angst. I feel it, but I feel it for someone else –– for her. I want to believe because she wants to believe. The vision of her looking away, all her warmth and joy dampened –– it makes me want to cry. I don’t cry. I haven’t cried in a long time.

Faith. What a gift.

I don’t remember believing, not when I was two, ten, or thirteen; certainly not now. Contentedly, thoughtlessly, I have checked the “agnostic” box throughout my life. How? How have I lived before now, without desire, without despair?

“Søren?”

She can pronounce my name, and uses it to my face. It’s so strange. She’s so strange. And she knows where I am. How does she know where I am?

I lean over the edge.

“How did you find me?”

She smiles a little. “I guessed.”

“Oh.”

“Can I come up?”

“I’m trying to read.”

“Can I come up anyway?”

Ah, hell. It’s not as if I’m actually reading. She’s been up here all this time.

“Sure.”

I sit back against the wall, eyes settling on the purple-blue sky. She knows where my room is? How does she know ––

“Nice place you have up here.”

Wasn’t my room locked?

The curtains are parted, and she’s peeking through. She steps onto the roof with one bare foot, steadying herself on the window frame. Faith is so natural up here. I can’t explain it –– the way her silhouette fits against the almost-night sky, the way her eyes reflect the quad and the trees and College Creek. She belongs like the wind and humidity, just another force of nature.

“It’s a good place to read,” I tell her. “Most of the time.”

“Not right now?”

“Not so much.”

“Why?”

How am I supposed to answer that?

“Ducks,” I say at last.

“Ducks?” She crosses her arms, tilts her head so her curls fall into her eyes. “But the ducks don’t need you.”

I feel how she felt, burning, wounded, weak. “I think the ducks need me.”

“They don’t know you. They’ll swim toward anyone.”

Disgraced, childish, petulant. “They don’t need to know me. They still need me –– they need someone.”

She smiles, and I smile, hesitantly, in return. She sits next to me, close –– closer than I would have expected. Our shoulders brush against one another.

“You can get away with skimming it,” she tells me, eyes traveling from the gold-leaf words on the cover of the book up to my face. “And you don’t have to have it read for another two days.”

I see myself in her pupils and irises, the latter so deep and warmly dark that they’re hardly distinguishable from the former. My reflection is distorted, my nose too big, eyes and mouth withdrawn. My hair is messy –– which I knew –– and I look content –– which I didn’t know.

She pokes my nose. “Don’t you remember what we’re here for?”

“To read great books?” I speculate.

“Part of it. What else?”

I don’t know, although I know I should. “Remind me,” I say.

“To find the truth.”

A beat, and I smile. “Ah. That.”

“Yes. That.”

A gust of wind passes through, and I look away. The sky is darker now, and it is nearly nighttime proper, colder and blacker all the time.

“We have four years,” I say as I turn back to her.

“You say it like it’s a long time,” she answers, more quietly. “Some people never even begin in their lifetimes. Our odds for starting and finishing in just four years are pretty bad.”

“At least we’ve started.”

“At least we’ve started,” she agrees.

the melancholy Dane - numer zwei.

It’s a long walk downtown, but I like Annapolis. I like the sidewalks. Some of them are new, clean brick or concrete, but my favorites are ancient, warped, eroded by feet, rain and time. Mostly, though, it’s the trees –– intended to be ornamental some decades ago, now full-sized, roots creating massive undulations in the brick. Beautiful little weeds grow in the cracks.

Faith has become fond of the weeds as well. A lot of the Johnnies are fond of the weeds. We’re weed people.

No crowd mills at the harbor today at 3:26 PM Eastern Standard Time. (Time zones: remember them. If you don’t, you will end up waking your parents from a dead sleep. Mine have never appreciated such error.) The clouds are the waves, and the waves are the clouds. Annapolis is beautiful.

She gets mint gelato, which is blue. I don’t take issue with mint, but blue food makes me cringe. No food is blue. Even blueberries are just a deep shade of indigo. I tell her this, and she grins and waves her gelato in my face, shouting “blue! delicious, unnatural BLUE!”

I get mango, because gelato should always be fruit-flavored, and mangos are delicious, and mango gelato is the color of a mango, as well it should be. Gelato is expensive here, but it seems as if it’s expensive anywhere. Price is not an object. Gelato must be had.

We sit by the water, and I can tell by the look in her eyes that she wants to feed the ducks. An official sign a few feet away reads: “Please do not feed the waterfowl.” Of course she wants to. It’s only natural.

“The ducks are fine without you,” I remind her. “Really.”

“They always come to see me,” she says, watching them as they swim closer. Her flipflops dangle precariously from her toes, almost ready to fall into the water below. “They know me.”

“They’re ducks. They come to see everyone.”

“Hush.”

I hush. Mango gelato drips all over my hand, and I lick it off rather indelicately. Mango gelato mustn’t be wasted.

“I’ve never actually had a mango,” she tells me.

“Never?”

“Not once.”

“I’ll get you one. They’re amazing.”

“Are they?”

“Unbelievable.”

“Mm.”

Her books are on the ground, not the ledge, and therefore significantly less likely to fall into the water than her flipflops, or she herself. She turns and picks one up –– The Republic –– and opens it in her lap. We call it Big Red around here, for obvious reasons.

“What do you think of philosopher kings?” she asks.

“Fundamentally good idea,” I reply with a shrug, “but they don’t exist. Think about it. The responsibility, the loneliness, the self-deprivation. Wouldn’t it make you crazy?”

“Well, yeah. But there must be someone.”

“There’s no one. We’re all human.”

“What about God?”

I roll my eyes. “He hasn’t been down here in a while.”

“Maybe he has,” she says. She isn’t looking at me. “We might not know it yet.”

I look at her for a moment, her little hands splayed over the pages of Socratic dialogue and, finding no words, I break off the bottom of my gelato cone and toss it to the ducks.